It’s been a couple of weeks since I last blogged. So much has been going on. I have been feeling so weary. Been feeling like giving up-literally. I stopped journaling my experiences, stopped seeking God and stopped taking the time to evaluate myself and ask God what He’s been trying to teach me during this difficult and painful season in my life. I’ve been in a really dark place.
I mean yes I have a relationship with God. Yes I believe in Jesus and yes I believe in the Word of God yet I still feel like crawling under the covers and praying that the storms in my life go away. I’m just so sick and tired of going through the motions. I can’t even begin to imagine or comprehend how someone who doesn’t have a relationship with God must be feeling.
From Kidulthood To Adulthood…
I have been discovering so much about myself. Like I’ve been learning how strong or should I say how weak I really am. I’ve been experiencing a lot of blockages and obstacles lately, which have in fact tested my character as well as my expectations. Things are turning out quite different to how I had planned. I wasn’t expecting things to be rosy but like hmm I guess I was expecting things to be a walk in the park in some respect. How naïve of me aye?! Like I was thinking I could get from a to b without any disruptions. I was living in cloud 9 lol. I failed to take into account possible detours, delays and traffic along the way to my destination. I see that life is indeed a roller coaster and if I want something I must get up, go out there and fight for it. Nothing worth having just falls on your lap hence why James said faith without works is dead yo!
When I think about the past 3 months alone, I have indeed been through the motions. Firstly there were issues with my visa. Then I had a heart problem. Oh yes so the doctor found an abnormality in my heart and I felt like I was slowwwwwwwwwwwing down literally. I’m feeling much better now and they were able to get to the root of the problem. What I find intriguing however is that even though there was a physical problem with my heart, I also believe that a spiritual problem contributed to my heart condition. There were some things that I needed to deal with-bitterness, unforgiveness, worry-and this was all taking a toll on my heart. So back to what I was saying, after the heart issue was all sorted it’s literally just been attack after attack, issue after issue, and surprise after surprise. I feel like every area of my life has got issues. Last Friday felt like the final straw for me. I had suicidal thoughts. Yes I Miss Josie Agyeman had suicidal thoughts. I was feeling so so so low. Life just hasn’t been going the way I had anticipated it would. I’m not going to have a pity party no point. It doesn’t change anything-just makes you focus on self rather than on God.
winging crying out to God like a 3 years old baby
saying “but I’m so young, I'm only 22 and all these things are happening to
me”. THIS IS LIFE. This. Is. Life. God doesn’t say that every 10 year old will
experience X at this age and then when they’re 20 they will experience Y. No no
no I’m coming to realize more and more that God is sovereign and does things
HIS WAY. He has different plans for each and every one of us. We have our own
path to venture on.
I'm getting older and coming to realize that I'm no longer a child. You may say Josie of course you’re not a child, you’re 22 for goodness sake, but in my head, I'm going through the process of change and coming to terms with the fact that growing older=taking responsibility for your own life because no one else is going to do it for you. There’s no point resisting the will of God and trying to do a Jonah. I tried to do it and I ended up on my knees repenting and surrendering my will to God.
Remember Who The Real Enemy Is
I got to a place where I stopped reading my Bible and stopped praying. I became so weary and tired of life. I found it too painful to even think about God. I kept hearing the scripture “He will never give you more than you can handle”, yet I stopped trusting God and couldn’t see how all of this could possibly work out for my good. At the end of Hunger Games 2 Haymitch said to Katnis “remember who the real enemy is”. I failed to see that God was never against me. The real enemy was satan. I was turning against God when the real enemy, satan was jumping up and down having a party.
What humbles me is that in spite of the way I have been feeling, in spite of the fact that I have turned away from God and been faithless, He has remained faithful. I have been questioning God’s will for my life and apart of me has also been resisting it too. Yet in spite of this there are people in my life who have not left me. They have continued to pray for me. I’ll put my hands up and admit that I haven’t been the best person to be around lately. I would talk to friends and they would encourage me and I would be like “I don’t wanna hear it”. I was tired of hearing my friends talk about God and how He has such great plans in store for me because what I was experiencing was quite the opposite. I questioned how things could possibly work out for my good.
I Need More Wisdom!
Speaking of friends, these past couple of weeks have opened my eyes to the fact that when it comes to friendships/relationships only a few can be trusted. Having said that I put my hands up and admit that I’ve made my fair share of mistakes. I was too naïve and trusted people too quickly. I failed to discern and realize that not everyone has your best interest at heart-even within the Christian community. I have been too open too quickly with those around me. I’m learning the difference between being transparent with someone and being too open.
Guard your heart Josie guard your heart! I have heard this scripture so many times yet I’m coming to a place where I have a deeper understanding of what it means. I must be more discerning. I must pay more attention and listen to the Holy Spirit. I must be Spirit led. As a missionary and counselor, these past experiences have shown me that people deal with pain in different ways. Some have learnt unhealthy ways to cope with their problems and insecurities. Some deal with it in destructive ways and will harm themselves as well as others. Some have their own issues but because they haven’t dealt with it, they wound others and this could be through stabbing you in the back or even keeping you close because they see you as a threat. I have also learnt that some people will hate and persecute you because a need of their own is not being met, so they will take their frustrations out on you. I’m learning to focus on the issue and not the person. The person is not the enemy.
The Show Must Go On
Life life life. I realise that the only thing I have to hold onto is the word of God. That’s the only thing that I can truly stand on in troubled times. The word of God is the only anchor we really have. Psalm 18:30 says that God’s way is perfect and that all of His promises prove true. God’s way is perfect. The word perfect means without fault, flawless, marvellous and excellent. This means that God knows exactly what He is doing. He is wise beyond comprehension; He is all seeing and all knowing. Isaiah 55:8-9 declares that His ways are higher than our ways and His thoughts are higher than our thoughts. We can’t comprehend or try and work out what God doing, all we can do is TRUST HIM. Trust Him and believe that He knows what’s best for us, after all His intentions are never to harm us. That’s what the Christian walk is all about; trusting God even when we don’t understand why things are turning out the way they are and believing that He will cause all things to work out for our good because He loves us!